just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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