She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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