I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
