Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
