I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
