here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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