we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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