dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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