my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
