fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
