We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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