I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
