when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
