my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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