I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
