She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
