I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
