the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
