i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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