I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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