two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
