Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
