I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
