i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
