guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
