is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
