How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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