my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
