What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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