I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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