I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
