how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
