There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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