I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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