Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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