Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm passing your future prison.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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