Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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