dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
