Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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