I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
