Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
