Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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