So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
