My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
