I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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