Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
