Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
