the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
