just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
