He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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