You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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